Disappearing acts
03.05.02 // 8:57 p.m.

I can’t hide anything from Isa or Chispa. Maybe that’s why I try to avoid them. They both can read me much more than I would like. The voice and face all give it away. Sometimes, all I need to do is give them a certain look and they know exactly what I’m trying to communicate. Its not that they have special powers, its just that we’ve become that close.

Yesterday I talked to Isa for a few minutes and she asked if I was doing okay. How could I tell her, yeah everything’s cool? She would immediately know I was lying. Then she asked if I had been trying to make myself disappear lately. She knows me too well, I swear.

The same thing happened with Chispa. Last week when I ran into her she nearly jumped, like she was startled to actually see me. Sometimes they even ask me where I’ve been hiding. Yet they know where I work, where my office is at, where I stay (apartment) and where I live (parent’s home).

I’m not always alone. I spend lots of time with other people, in meetings, class and just doing nothing. I have plenty of friends and acquaintances. Everywhere I walk on campus, I find someone I know whether close or not.

It’s just these two people I purposely avoid. Maybe its ‘cause I know certain topics will come up that I just would rather not talk about. Its quite odd, Isa and Chispa are two of the people I trust most in the world, but sometimes I feel I can’t even talk to them. Or I know with other topics that they’ll react a certain way. For instance, I know Chispa will knock some sense into my head if I tell her about some stuff that happened last week.

Both Isa and Chispa know how much they mean to me. When Chispa was in DF (Mexico City) last year, we became really dependent on each other. We said “I love you” to one another, which is something I find difficult to say sometimes, even to my family. I think it was the first time I had said it to a friend.

I’ve learned something again today from Inez and Berky. He was in the hospital and she lost a good friend in a tragic car accident (prayers for her and her friend’s familia). The lesson was the same: value your life and that of others.

With that, I’ll say that isolation and disappearing acts are okay once in a while, but I got to stop pushing those people who mean most to me away.

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