i be surrounded by people and still feel lonely
09.04.03 // 10:46 p.m.

It worries me that I'm nearing the beginning of the school year and I have put off on planning for my own personal life for the last three months. The summer was when I was supposed to get a head start and really figure out what I wanted to do with my life after I leave this position in June '04. I’m no further along in the process than I was in June. In fact, I’m more confused now than I was before about what I want to do and where I want to be in a year.

I'm supposed to be applying to graduate school, but I have yet to even look at any applications or even think about writing my personal statement. I need to talk to professors about potential programs I'll be applying to and research the ones that I know I will be applying to in further detail. I can't put this off, if I do I'll end up doing a half-ass job on my applications which I can't afford.

I really want to be in school again. I can't wait. It's not because I hate this job and really want to leave it, not at all... However, I know that if I stay as director after June 2004, I’ll go crazy. I need to leave, for a combination of factors.

First, this place doesn't feel the same. It can't be. Folks are gone, out of the city and the state. They've graduated and moved on to positions elsewhere. I've stopped feeling as if I was left behind, but in a way, I was. So, even though I love this city, the school and (most of) the people here I still know I can't be here too long.

Second, I can’t handle the stress anymore. I realized for the first time Sunday that the reason I have so much grey hair has to be because of this position. I’m not that much older, but I’ve seriously been through too much stress. I didn’t expect it to be much different than life as a student leader, but it was never this bad back then. Perhaps it was because I had a wider support network and I never had so much pressure on me so often. Yeah there were times when I just broke down under the pressure, but that was rare. I've done that about a half-dozen times in the last year. It's different when so many things come down to you making them happen. Also, as a student there were so many other people who were going through similar situations. Here, there are only a few other people who know what it's like. That makes a big difference. So, for my mental sanity, I need a break.

Third, for my own personal health I need to leave this place. It must be a bad sign when I keep putting off visiting the doctor until after my budget proposal is due because I say I don’t have time. Or how about going the whole day on one meal or a measly granola bar? I really need to work on that.

Fourth, I can’t be in this position. It’s not an option. The directors are usually only hired for two years. They don’t like us to stay around too long because the farther we’re removed from the college experience the less we’ll be able to actually be a “peer” counselor to 18 and 19 year olds. It’s already weird seeing first years fresh out of high school.

Last, I just know I need to move on. I feel like there isn’t much more for me to do here. True my family is here, and most of my friends are, but I can feel myself being pulled away. I just don’t know where I’m being pulled to.

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Me siento: like something is missing
Escuchando: nada

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