"And you, Cindy, no babies?"

Everyone had one. Except me. Well, not really everyone, but there were about five babies in the house hanging on the hips of girls my age or just a little bit younger.

Lately, some of the girls I grew up with now have kids of their own. Star has two, Melissa has one, and there are more but those are the ones that come to mind the quickest since I just saw them recently.

I do want kids, but what the hell will I do with a kid at this point? I mean, I can barely take care of myself. I've got goals and plans and dreams that don't really have anyone else in them besides me. Oh yeah, there is no way I could make a baby right now either.

It's so strange being at those parties with Star though. We were the best of friends in middle school and then she moved away. I saw her weekly when we needed to practice for folkl�rico and called her on the phone a lot. She always had some issues going on with her mom and dad freaking about guys. And there were lots of them because Star was one of the pretty ones. I think she got pregnant when she was a senior in high school, or maybe a little earlier. By that time we hardly talked, and I was on the path to some university.

I wonder now why 10 years after we first met I have a degree and student loan debt and she has two daughters and a failed marriage.

I'm glad to be where I'm at right now, but sometimes I feel like something is missing. Last week Phyllis, one of my friends' mom, asked if I had a boyfriend. I had to reply that I'd just ended a relationship. That's what's missing, I think. I feel like my life is too centered on me. I miss giving of my energy and time to someone else. There's my family, but they really don't need me all that much (so it seems). There's my friends, but they all have a bunch of things going on themselves. There's work but that's only 40 hours or so out of the week. Then what?

Addendum: I met another Dominic today at Star's house for Miriam's party. I kept thinking about how I've only met a handful of Dominics in my life and there is only one I've had any sort of relationship with (one was a music director at church, the other I just met once at work). I'd like to keep it that way 'cause Dominic Of the Good is the only one I'd like in my life.

Me siento: incomplete
Escuchando: sketches of spain by miles davis

M�s reciente:
Searches - 09.16.05
the big move - 07.29.05
mother and daughter: a comparative analysis - 07.28.05
jardineros y dom�sticas - 07.27.05
tough question - 07.25.05

antes // despu�s