isolation revisited
02.28.05 // 12:47 a.m.

I have another blog I've been updating fairly often for a couple of years now. I don't tell too many people about it because it's pretty personal. It's more like a journal or a diary. Occasionally I'll write something there that I don't mind sharing.

This is something from the geebee files (with some updates):

I've been feeling kind of isolated lately. I spend a lot of time with my books and my computer, but I don't spend much time with real people. And when I'm with real people, you know what I'm doing? I'm studying, I'm in class, I'm at work, or I'm in a meeting.

Only one or two people know I've been feeling this way. I know partially why it's like this. Some of my relationships have changed, in big and unexpected ways recently. Then Ome moved out, Isa started teaching again and I hardly got to see them. At least my relationship with Pato (the other roomie) is pretty consistent, and is getting stronger.

I don't really have friends in my cohort, they're more like acquaintances, peers or classmates. They don't really know me and I don't know them. We make small talk about our classes, plans for the weekend, and anxieties about first year exams, but I don't open up to them like I would with Ome, Pato, Chispa or Isa.

When it comes to the rest of the cohort, I feel like an outsider. There are the four other first year Phd students. They all live in the new grad student housing in Westwood. I chose not to live there and stay in the apartment 5 miles away from campus. I've lived here for more than 4 years and I like it.

Most of the new HEOC students are new to UCLA and some are even new to the LA area. That's not my experience... at all.

To be fair, my cohort-mates have not tried to exclude me. They've planned events and invited everyone. I don't always show up. I excluded myself because I thought I didn't need new friends. I already had my girlfriends and good guy friends, like Eligio and Arshad, to lean on when I needed them. I had dozens of friends at the CPO, where I used to work. I miss the CPO, SRC and Calmecac more than I can quantify. I stop by a few times a week, but it's weird to feel like I'm not needed there anymore. I have a hard time letting go.

I wrote most of the above towards the end of last quarter when I was stressed with finals. I still feel like that, but things are a little different now. I still miss a lot of events with the other HEOC first years, but I feel like I make up for it by hanging out more with Arshad and the other folks in his program (Urban Schooling). The last few weeks I've been having lunch after class with them. I even sat in on a class a few weeks ago with some of the US guys.

I've been letting myself open up more to the folks at work. The other student research analysts I work with are advanced HEOC students. Erica and Victor are especially helpful when I need to vent about the stress of a 17-unit quarter or try to figure out my summer plans.

Aside from these folks, there's one student in particular who has helped me feel more comfortable in Moore Hall. He's a first year in the US program. I don't know if he knows it, but he might be part of the reason I'm still sane going into 8th week.

In case you're wondering, it's just a platonic friendship. Still, it's really nice to be able to talk music, unrequited love and the deep stuff in English and Spanish with a classmate. Gracias, Catr�n.

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Me siento: amused
Escuchando: "let's go to bed" by the cure

M�s reciente:
Searches - 09.16.05
the big move - 07.29.05
mother and daughter: a comparative analysis - 07.28.05
jardineros y dom�sticas - 07.27.05
tough question - 07.25.05

antes // despu�s


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