tantas horas sin dormir
12.23.03 // 6:19 p.m.

Hi, my name is Cindy. I'm a procrastinator.

I've been a procrastinator ever since I was in 3rd grade, probably even earlier, I just can't remember.

To give myself some credit, I have planned ahead and started (even completed!) things much before the due date. In fact, you can say I started off on the right foot when I was born about two weeks early. That didn't last too long.

No matter how hard I try, and how much I beat myself up after all nighters and the stress of working at the last minute causes, I still do it. I don't know if there is a cure. I've tried lots of things. I've tried rewarding myself, not letting me have something until I finished, etc. It doesn't work, well not for long. I'm still a procrastinator.

I've tried rationalizing it too. I say that I work better under pressure even though I know that I can do much better work if I actually put more time and effort into those projects. I told myself once that the reason I was turning in my final paper late for my last class at UCLA was because I wanted to extend my collegiate career just a little bit longer. I even say that starting early just doesn't work for me. I get distracted too easily and lose sight of the end product. So, it's best to wait until the last minute... or even after that last minute. In my last year at UCLA I got to the point that the due date for papers would come and go and I still hadn't even started the paper. It never hurt me though, the worst I ever got on a paper was a B.

Perhaps, I'm some kind of sadist who really enjoys the pain and stress working on things at the last minute causes me. Maybe I don't mind sleep deprivation in order to write my paper or end of the quarter evaluation. I am a night owl after all.

If you want to get really introspective, you might just say that I'm scared of success and my own potential. I'm afraid that even if I put my all into something, my best if you will, it won't be good enough. And (gasp!) I'll discover that I'm not as brilliant as I always assumed. I'm afraid of failure... yeah.

Oh, guess what... I haven't done any Christmas shopping.

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