At the end of the year (both 12 month and academic) I feel a need to do some sort of introspection as well as retrospection. I take a look at how I have changed since January 1, 2001. I question whether or not I met my goals, and if I am in the situation I wanted to be a year ago. I split up the areas of my life, with the assumption that they are not interrelated. Of course, I know this is not true. My life is not like one of those Styrofoam plates unevenly divided into three pie-shaped sections. Everything is just jumbled together. So with that, I will peer into the kaleidoscope that is my life and tell you what I see.

I see my parents and three siblings peering back at me. My parents naively still believe I am the innocent child incapable of harm. They expect my older brother to be the one who lacks good judgment. If they only knew that I am not perfect they�d be heartbroken. My siblings look back at me with knowing looks, but not too knowing because there are some secrets I keep even from my sister. I stand next to them, in an open doorway trying to figure out how well I want them to know me.

I twist the kaleidoscope and the church I visited countless Sundays since I was a toddler appears. I know that I have not been the good Catholic I once used to be. Ever since the pastor at my home parish left the priesthood after 35 years to get married, I�ve found it tougher and tougher to be as faithful as I want to be. I see myself kneeling at a pew praying, something I need to do more often, if only to maintain a close relationship with God.

I turn the kaleidoscope a third time and see my school, a place where I spend way too much time. An image of me in class contrasts with the turrets of Kerckhoff Hall� inside I find four offices, MEChA, GRO, GSA, and CPO/SRC/SIOC. Here I am a student activist, pseudo-politician, office manager, volunteer and counselee. Too many hats, and I wonder if I even do them well. I could write much more on this aspect, but the point of that essay would be that I need to find my motivation again and actually do work� and not let it interfere with my studies � at least not too much. I see myself struggling to stay awake though a lecture in the first image. I probably have some assignment past due. Last year I probably thought that I would have my post-bachelor career figured out by now� but I am just a little bit more sure of what I want to do now than I was a year ago. I can write much more on this too, but I�ll leave it with saying I need to focus more on being a student.

The sacred fourth turn brings me to images of my torrid love life, and sometimes stagnant social life. A friend of mine, Angel, constantly calls me a player. Most of the times I just tell him to shut up or retort that I can�t be a player, because I have no game. I still believe that, but the fact that there are three different guys peering back at me makes me laugh. At least at the end of the year I have found the one who makes me feel like a lucky queen, doesn�t make me feel sad and guilty, or ignores me. In terms of friendships, I�m satisfied. Over the past year I�ve become closer with most of my friends. Chispa and I talk about everything and tell each other that we love one another. I have an equally close relationship with Isa. My friends watch out for me and are super supportive. They proved themselves through the elections ordeal and then with the drama with Justin. I can�t forget about all the wonderful Okayplayers I met this year. Just think, if I wouldn�t have made that initial mistake of meeting Lamont, then I would�ve missed out on meeting many more great folks, especially Dom.

I feel like I should come up with some goals or resolutions for the year, but the kaleidoscope is not much help for that. It is great at looking at my life, but I�ll have to use some other instrument to figure out where, and who I want to be a fines de 2002.

Me siento:
Escuchando:

M�s reciente:
Searches - 09.16.05
the big move - 07.29.05
mother and daughter: a comparative analysis - 07.28.05
jardineros y dom�sticas - 07.27.05
tough question - 07.25.05

antes // despu�s