home is where the drama is
01.29.05 // 10:03 p.m.

While I was an undergrad I didn't go home much for two key reasons: time and logistics.

For my first two years I lived on campus in the dorms. I didn't have a car nor a license. So, going home meant that my mom or dad had to go out of his way to pick me up and drop me off. At the time my dad worked in Southgate and would spend Sunday nights at my Grandma's house in East LA. This meant he didn't have to go out of his way that much, but it still was more time than he needed to spend. I don't think he minded doing this. I was young, the first one out of the house, and my parents wanted to see me.

After my second year, I moved into an apartment a few miles away from campus. I finally got my license and inherited my dad's old New Yorker. Despite having my own transportation, I still didn't go home very often. My third year was my busiest as a student. I had classes to deal with and responsibilities of being a student leader. I regularly missed out on family events and constantly felt like I was out of the loop.

I went home only when I had to do laundry and didn't have any quarters, or when I risked being disowned from the family by missing an event such as the grandparent's wedding anniversary or Mother's Day. I stayed away because of the time involved in going home and because I rarely got any studying done at home.

This quarter, I'm taking four classes. I still have to work 20 hours a week (which I really don't do, but that's another story). I need to use my weekends more wisely, and that probably means staying in LA to do reading, research and writing.

At first, I was a little bothered by this. I got very used to being home for at least some part of every weekend - except if I was out of town - while I was working full time. Then there was half the summer when I was unemployed and spent a lot of it in the Heights. So, staying away last week didn't feel right to me. I got a lot done though, and I didn't have to deal with the drama here.

I don't know where this is going... but I might as well make it go somewhere. I'm at home right now. A little while ago I had a serious discussion with my mom and sister. Last time I was here two weeks ago, we had a family meeting over a new/old concern. During the meeting, I just wished I was at my apartment. Then, I wouldn't have to worry about x or y. I could pretend it wasn't happening because I didn't see it. Yeah... I'd just run away from the problem.

This situation has me feeling hella worried. My hands are shaky, I feel like crying and I feel helpless. I hate feeling helpless. I have to acknowledge that I have no control over the situation. I can't will someone to do something.

A lot of people think my family is perfect. They see four children. We're in school, we have jobs, our clothes matches, we sing in the church choir, play in the church band and have nice smiles. Our parents have 27 years of marriage under their belts, always look nice, and are leaders in all they're involved in. We look like we got it together.

But we don't, and lately when I come here that's become more evident. The only thing we really got under control is our ability to pretend like things are okay.

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Me siento: shaky
Escuchando: "i would die 4 u" by prince

M�s reciente:
Searches - 09.16.05
the big move - 07.29.05
mother and daughter: a comparative analysis - 07.28.05
jardineros y dom�sticas - 07.27.05
tough question - 07.25.05

antes // despu�s


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