The good girl
06.02.02 // 6:05 p.m.

What is it about me that makes people think that I�m automatically a good girl? Why are they so surprised to hear me curse or to see me drink or smoke? Is there a halo around my head and angel wings on my back? Is there a sign with the words, innocent and pure hanging from my neck? Or is it a name like Cindy?

Maybe I should feel glad that people think so highly of me, that they think I�m so perfect and flawless. I�m not so pure. I make so many mistakes. I�m selfish, petty and outright mean at times. I talk shit behind peoples� backs. I say one thing and then do another. I lie straight to your face. I knowingly hurt others. I�m a terrible person at times. I wonder why some people even put up with me.

What is it about me? Mosaic/Jos� thinks its my smile or �gleam� (both a curse and a blessing). Do I really put up that good of an act?

I�m still thinking about my actions last year. Not just from June, but later on too. Maybe I would feel much better if I could somehow apologize to K, at least get it off my chest. But I don�t know how I�d even arrange that at this point.

Ay, you know this would all make a fine series of entries if I didn�t feel the need to censor myself.

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Enough beating myself up about things I can�t change anymore. New subject, all I hear from my family is bad news it seems. Last night when I got to my T�a Mary�s in East LA I saw Millie, my cousin Juan�s wife. She was huge, with a stomach out to here (imagine me holding my hands a foot away from my stomach).

I love my family and all, but you think they would tell me that my cousin and his wife were expecting a baby girl. Millie only has 10 weeks left! The next time I would have seen them, she would probably have the little one in her arms.

Perhaps this is not a reflection of my parents� poor ability to pass on worthwhile good (and bad) news. Maybe it�s my fault for not showing up to enough family functions. A handful of my cousins are starting their own families. They have adorable children and they all look at me like a stranger. Reese, Robert�s son, won�t dance with me. Baby Mart�n, my cousin Mart�n�s boy, is fabulous though. He�s only 13 months old, but I was already teaching the kid to dance, he�s got to learn eventually. I�m going to kidnap him, like I plotted to kidnap Valerie 6 years ago. Those kids are adorable. I want one of my own.

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Last topic. At my T�a Mary�s, Dad and I were looking at an old picture of Grandpa with 6 of his 8 kids, circa 1959. �Can you guess who is who?� my dad asked.

To tell the truth, it was kind of tough. I�ve only seen a few pictures of my father and his siblings as children, but nevertheless I was able to identify Lucy, Mary, Lupe, John, Rick and Dad standing or sitting in Grandpa�s lap. I wonder why Grandma wasn�t in the picture.

�Talk about having a dream� there he is with six children, six hungry children.� I tend to forget the great amount of struggles and setbacks my parents and their families faced. I got sad last night thinking about how proud Grandma and Grandpa would be to see their grandchildren graduating college to become a civil engineer (Arturo) and director of an academic supports program.

I wonder if they ever dreamt that we�d make it this far. I really wish they could be there to see Lori and me graduate. I�m sure they are watching from heaven.

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Me siento: hungover (Tim mixes some stiff drinks)
Escuchando: A Change is Gonna Come, by Sam Cooke

M�s reciente:
Searches - 09.16.05
the big move - 07.29.05
mother and daughter: a comparative analysis - 07.28.05
jardineros y dom�sticas - 07.27.05
tough question - 07.25.05

antes // despu�s


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