Disclaimer: these are my opinions based on my experiences, as you would expect when reading someone�s diary. I don�t apologize for feeling this way. Race issues are very personal, especially if you�ve been a victim of blatant racism as my family and I have been. If you�ve got problems contact me via email or the guestbook.

I get very uncomfortable around a lot of white people, but not just any type. If you put me in a room with a bunch of activists and leftists who hold similar values I�ll probably still feel weird as I do when I�m the only woman in the room/group, but I won�t feel intimidated. However, when I�m at a party full of stereotypical frat boys and sorority girls, as I was on Saturday, I get antsy.

I�m even a little scared (scurred�) of them. I mentioned this to Bryant last spring as we were campaigning. I told him that I was scared to hand a flier or talk to white guys who looked like they were in some Greek letter organization and to a lesser extent, his female counterparts. He responded that he completely understood why I would feel that way considering the history of discrimination, blatant and subtle racism, homophobia, and violence against women perpetuated by fraternities on campus (and nationwide), especially against the Chicana/o community.

I learned about all this a little after I became involved in MEChA when I sensed a definite anti-frats attitude in the organization. It was not until I asked some members did they pass down some of the horror stories. A few months later while cleaning the office, I found a file filled with newspaper articles and copies of lyrics from two frats� songbooks. The lyrics were sickening and one song in particular sealed my hate for the Greek system (a clear distinction from individuals):

Lupe

Twas down in Cunt Valley, where the Red Rivers flow
Where cocksuckers flourish, and maiden heads grow,
Twas there I met Lupe, thej girl I adore
My hot fucking, cocksucking Mexican whore

Now Lupe popped her cherry, when but she was eight
Swinging upon the old garden gate,
The cross member broke and the upright slipped in,
And she finished her life in a welter of sin

She�ll fuck you, she�ll suck you, she�ll tickle your nuts,

And if you�re not careful, she�ll suck out your guts,
She�ll wrap her legs round you, till you think you�ll die
I�d rather eat Lupe than sweet cherry pie

Now Lupe�s dead and buried, and lies in her tomb,
While maggots crawl out of her decomposed womb,
The smile on her face, is a sure cry for more,
My hot fucking, cocksucking Mexican whore.

Other songs were no less offensive. I later read academic articles about the prevalence of rape in fraternities and newspaper articles continually surfaced about some racist, sexist or homophobic infraction by a fraternity. So, that�s why I�m scared of those guys.

Now, about white girls, to explain the discomfort they make me feel. For me it�s based primarily on a sense that I have very little in common with them. Another factor is that as a woman of color I�ve learned from an early age that the ideal of beauty in the US was Barbie. I could never look like Barbie no matter how hard I tried. I have lighter skin than many Chicanas, but I still have dark hair that I would never damage with a dye job that would make my hair blonde. Even though I�ve come to accept the way I look now, there were many times when I wanted to look more like Britney Spears than Selena. So, now I have some residual resent of those women and girls who have something I used to really want. Self-hate and colonization are hard to shake.

Finally, like other women of color, I have this pretty irrational dislike of white women dating Chicano or Latino men. It just bugs me. I can�t really explain it, but if you�ve ever seen the film Luminarias you would understand.

I know this all must seem pretty contradictory and close-minded. Heck, some of my best friends are white.

Ha! (That�s a funny line.) I don�t dislike all whites, that idea is absurd. This is about a population who is affiliated with a system in which their �brothers� might have sang a song about �Lupe the Mexican whore� and then had a party in which to get in you had to crawl under a fence, take off your shirt and wet your back (get it?).

At the party on Saturday, I told Yo how I felt and she understood. I kept silent to Dom even though he picked up on my discomfort. I don�t really talk to him about issues of race and sometimes I wonder if he thinks about it in terms of us. I have this notion that people of color think about race a lot more than white people, though it may be false.

I�ll be thinking about �whiteness� and racial formation a lot for the next few months as I have a course focusing on it. The professor is great, but I absolutely detest one of my classmates, Andy J., the guy who writes a lot of shit about me and other SE! members on council in the paper. Yusuf (a classmate) almost had to hold me back before I hit him. I had to invoke the spirit of C�sar E. Ch�vez to remind me of the non-violent struggle for social justice.

Me siento:
Escuchando:

M�s reciente:
Searches - 09.16.05
the big move - 07.29.05
mother and daughter: a comparative analysis - 07.28.05
jardineros y dom�sticas - 07.27.05
tough question - 07.25.05

antes // despu�s