I haven�t cried like I cried today in months. I don�t think since Yo�s suicide attempt have I cried so much that my eyes hurt, my nose was running and all I wanted was to be held by my mother because I truly did feel like a four year old who was lost. I didn�t even want to look anyone in the eyes because then they would have easily been able to tell that I had been crying.

I don�t think it was one thing that brought on the onslaught of tears. It was more the presentation that Erika made. Not only was I not feeling it, but the fact that she�s completely lagging on the work she needs to do, which makes my job much more difficult got to me. I was talking to Rose, Paul and Mandla (the facilitator of the training) after the training session. I excused myself when I felt my eyes watering up and ran to find a quite place where I could just be left alone for some time before the next long meeting I needed to go to.

I don�t know how I�m going to survive the next year if all I here is that things just keep getting more hectic. I need to find a way to make this work better so that I�m not breaking down every other week.

I know I should talk to people. The ironic thing is that I�m a counselor, I�m trying to work with students to empower them to be able to deal with all the shit in their lives, yet here I can barely open myself up to ask for help. When I graduated and took the job, I wondered, now who�s going to be my counselor? I had three different counselors during my four years, and they were all wonderful. It was great to have someone who was there to just listen to you.

I know I have several close friends, family and Dom to count on when I need to talk, but it�s not so easy. See, this job is so different than many others. How many people can say that they were hired by a student organization and ultimately answer to them? Or that at the same time they have that pressure, they are dealing with their own staffs, and advisers. I can tell you how many: 12. At least, that�s how it is here. There are the five directors of the retention projects and the 7 directors of the outreach projects. However, the one�s who will know most will be the retention project directors.

I have a good relationship with most of them, but it�s hard to go to them with these problems when you know they have a lot to deal with too. I think I just need a counselor.

Me siento: exhausted
Escuchando: na.da

M�s reciente:
Searches - 09.16.05
the big move - 07.29.05
mother and daughter: a comparative analysis - 07.28.05
jardineros y dom�sticas - 07.27.05
tough question - 07.25.05

antes // despu�s