"You look happy," Tim said with a sly grin on his face Friday night outside of the Mexican restaraunt as we waited for the rest of the crew. It threw me off, like when guys tell me they think I'm pretty or when some random guy hits on me.

Tim is one of the most perceptive people I know. The last time I saw him was in New York on the Saturday night before he left. Early in the evening we had dinner and headed over to the Nuyorican Poet's Caf� to catch a poetry slam. After leaving the smoke filled spot, we ran back to the place at corner where we ate to catch the end of the national college football championship game. He's from Ohio, so naturally he was thrilled to see them win. And, since it was his last night in the city, he wanted to do a little barhopping to celebrate a great vacation and Ohio's championship. So, we did just that. Except, I wasn't really feeling it.

That night, I didn't want to get drunk and I didn't want to be running around all over the city just to find a bar that was open. I was tired of the nightlife. We finally found a bar and there I refused to dance even though the deejay was playing some great music. I just sat at a table and took care of a pile of coats. The Redhead sat with me, and we had a little talk without really saying much. I told him I was tired of NYC and I wanted to go home. It wasn't just the city, I explained. "I'm tired of you," I told him half serious, half kidding. He didn't ask too many questions and just left it at that. I think we both decided we'd rather leave some things unsaid.

Tim left a few hours later while I was sound asleep. When he left, I probably wasn't too happy. He saw me at some pretty low points too. Monday night, on our way back from APT, Tim consoled me as we sat in a corner of the train. I had about three drinks, a little too much for me and was quietly sobbing. I learned in New York that when I drink that much I just get really emotional, and I had a lot to be emotional about. Everything came back, and it all hurt so much. I just wanted to let my tears flow and have one of those cries where you feel good after it and a little relieved. I couldn't mainly because I didn't want everyone, including the Redhead, to see me and I really needed a tissue. Tim told me that I was a sweetheart and incredibly mature for the way I was handling things. Right... except sometimes I wasn't so mature. I played games, teased him, got jealous when he talked to other girls, gave him the silent treatment and held my tongue when I wanted to say something mean.

It's weird being on vacation with an ex. Things came up, but I didn't want to make a big deal out of them because if I did, it would make the others feel uncomfortable. I didn't talk about my anxieties about the trip or my relationship with the Redhead with anyone other than Chris and Lamont, but everyone just picked up on things. Tim even told me that everyone knew what kind of sacrifice I was making for just going on the trip.

At the time I had this conversation in the corner of a dirty NYC subway car, I just wanted to disappear and go home. I wanted to be in my bed, as far away as possible from the Redhead. I told myself I was stupid for thinking that I was ready to see him, especially for such a long time and so far from home. I doubted that we could actually be friends. I didn't know how it would be possible.

After that night, Tim and I didn't talk about the issue. I'd never talked to him about the breakup. Come to think of it, I never really talked to him about the Redhead and I. I didn't have to, he just knows, he's perceptive like that. Or it could be that he's gone through heartbreak too and knows what it looks/feels like.

Tim's seen me in those really bad times, and those times when I've been happy too. He was right - as usual - I am happy, and it feels really good.

Me siento: exhausted
Escuchando: nada

M�s reciente:
Searches - 09.16.05
the big move - 07.29.05
mother and daughter: a comparative analysis - 07.28.05
jardineros y dom�sticas - 07.27.05
tough question - 07.25.05

antes // despu�s