Juan and Agust�n

Do you remember your first crush?

I do. My first crush began in first grade. He was a Mexican kid named Juan. He was one of my brother's best friends and they would play kickball during recess. Oh yeah, and he was an older boy. Well, just a year older.

The most memorable thing about my crush on Juan was not the crush itself, but what it led to. See, my mom used to make me wear my hair in two perfectly symmetrical trensas (braids) and I I hated it.

One of the rare days I was allowed to leave my hair down.

It's amazing to me now that I thought Juan would not like me because of my braids (my physical appearance). I felt I needed to change my hair. My memory may be a little fuzzy, but I know that was the main reason I wanted to break out of the braids of oppression. I didn't dislike them because of the morning ritual (and I really did hate it). I wanted to change to impress Juan and get him to like me.

My crush didn't last long. I probably got bored or knew a relationship could not work out between a first grade girl and second grade boy. Eventually Juan and I became friends and later he was one of the chambelanes in my quincea�era. I still see Juan frequently since he still lives in Hacienda Heights and he is still one of Danny's best friends.

Where did I learn that this was what I was supposed to do? Did my friends tell me? Was it some cartoon? Did I notice it from my mom when she primped to please my dad? I'm not sure, but I'm sure I could read something from sociology texts to find out more about when young girls become conscious of their physical attributes. How is it that we learn what is pretty and what is attractive to the opposite sex? (I say opposite because I know that in the 1980s no one would have assumed that I didn't like boys.) What convinced me that I had to change?

I still get crushes on boys and I still feel the need to impress them in some way and change something about myself in order to "get" my latest crush. At six it was just about hair and wanting to look older. Now, even though I know much better, I still find myself adopting changes (some tiny and others not) to please someone else. It's gone beyond the physical, and I find that more troubling.

Me siento: retrospective
Escuchando: nothing better - the postal service

M�s reciente:
Searches - 09.16.05
the big move - 07.29.05
mother and daughter: a comparative analysis - 07.28.05
jardineros y dom�sticas - 07.27.05
tough question - 07.25.05

antes // despu�s